Hidden Vagenda

by Kimya Dawson

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1.
My mother says that Rain is angels Who are crying Up in heaven And I believe that 'cause when sad things happen It starts raining It's been raining It's been raining For awhile now It's been raining At least forty days And I've been crying Since the first time Someone I loved Passed away I'll build an ark Inside my body In a bottle And disappear 'cause my soul is drowning Missing people That I wish could Still be here But it won't stop raining And I can't stop crying My friends keep dying It's been raining For awhile now It's been raining At least forty days And I've been crying Since the first time Someone I loved Passed away It's been raining For awhile now It's been raining At least forty days And I've been crying Since the first time Someone I loved Passed away
2.
Fire 03:20
It seemed like everyone I knew was dying I looked in the mirror and I was on fire Somebody yelled out "hey, stop, drop, and roll!" I said "that might save my skin, but it won't save my soul. That might save my skin, but it won't save my soul" You swallow hard and you bottle it up Try to pretend you're a half full cup Believe what they're feeding, you're eating it up While I'm reading books about how they're corrupt I'm reading books about how they're corrupt He says he protecting us but he's a liar I know deep down that it's down to the wire My heart will stop if I put out the fire As long as I'm burning I'll keep on yearning To save the world Not sure how but I'm learning Since what they call the beginning of man Blood has been shed for the rape of the land They call it civilized, I call it crap Our only hope is to look further back Our only hope is to look further back If we really want for this world to survive We'll just take what we need to stay alive It's a mistake to just take and not give It's not true that we must murder to live It's not true that we must murder to live He says he protecting us but he's a liar I know deep down that it's down to the wire My heart will stop if I put out the fire As long as I'm burning I'll keep on yearning To save the world Not sure how but I'm learning And telling the truth the best way that I'm able Placing my cards all face up on the table It's okay to be scared, you do don't hafta act tough Take all that pain and turn it into love Take all that pain and turn it into love And let your emotions be fuel to your flame Being on fire will keep you awake If somebody yells out "hey, stop, drop, and roll!" Say "that might save my skin, but it won't save my soul. That might save my skin, but it won't save my soul"
3.
I dreamed I thanked scott ian for persistence of time Back when Steve and Eva died that album changed my life It was a package of pure darkness tied up with a silver string Delivered by a fast train rearranging how I think He said "i can't believe you even know that I exist, I've got all of your albums and I think you are the best" He started to cry and I started to laugh I gave him a hug and he gave me his autograph Reeling in my disbelief, I know that it was just a dream All the covers that I see are different from the books I read Everything is crumbling around me Why does everything cost so much money? Could somebody please help out my family? My mom needs hearing aids, new shoulders, and new legs My dad needs a break he works all day every day My brother needs a place and a job where he can make Enough money to take care of his baby Here's a simple dissertation on a complex situation Money and intimidation and mass graves make strong foundations For the giant corporations that own all the TV. stations Telling us to take vacations to their big theme park plantations Rather than to hearts of nations Where we might meet people on the street who say "i don't want my mtv 'cause it brought viva to its knees" And mom and pop are begging "please, globalization's killing me" While we think that they think they need all of the things we think we need Like martha stewart shams and sheets and sugar free powdered iced tea Vanilla coke, lemon pepsi, friends episodes on dvd I went to see the doctor of psychiatry Weapons of mass instruction finally broke me He said "act your age, don't be afraid, take two of these. Now listen real hard, put down that guitar, Don't be a retard, be all that you can be" The things he said I could be were laid out right in front of me Would I choose deep fried apathy, mcnuggets where my balls should be, Or super sized conformity? I walked away and I'm still me Free to go fucking crazy, free to know why I'm angry One and one and one is three and you and me is all I need Singing songs, drawing cocks, picking locks to locked doors Find deflated hearts, and pump them up
4.
Bombs are dropping, smoke fills the air I wanna duck and cover but I've gotta stay out here 'cause I know myself and if I hole up in my room I'll be consumed by the doom and the gloom So I called john 'cause I know he knows sorrow He said "i'll be in the city tomorrow" So I go down and I watch him sing And the way he sings sends a chill right through me, yeah And now there's a mountain goat Precariously balanced on the frog stuck in my throat It says "sometimes whispering's okay, But maybe you'd feel better if you screamed today" The lady took the baby I know she loves the baby But the baby has a daddy And his daddy loves him too How could she take the baby? Maybe she's gone crazy She won't share It's not fair There's nothing I can do The lady took the baby I know she loves the baby But the baby has a daddy And his daddy loves him too How could she take the baby? Maybe she's gone crazy She won't share It's not fair There's nothing I can do Tuesday night grandma curled up in my bed By wednesday morning my grandma was dead I was in charlotte, I took the bus home Her shoes, watch, and teeth were still in my room And as I lay me down to sleep I felt her spirit rise up through me She said "i got to live a long eighty six years, dry your tears. I know it's hard but please let go so I can meet your grandpa in the undertow Chin up girl, you've got to be strong, and know when you're singing I'm singing along" The lady took the baby I know she loves the baby But the baby has a daddy And his daddy loves him too How could she take the baby? Maybe she's gone crazy She won't share It's not fair There's nothing I can do The lady took the baby I know she loves the baby But the baby has a daddy And his daddy loves him too How could she take the baby? Maybe she's gone crazy She won't share It's not fair There's nothing I can do Little bitty baby so far away We hope that you can come home soon When we're not together, now or ever Always remember I love you Little bitty baby so far away We hope that you can come home soon When we're not together, now or ever Always remember I love you
5.
I sat in the swamp with a little pink piggy Who loved roller-skating and playing pretend The boy that she loved was a real snackmaster The world was a beach ball and we were all friends Then he died alone and the last time I saw her It looked like the reaper had rapped on her door She said "do you remember singing ice ice baby with me Laying down on the reef bathroom floor?" How could I ever forget? I could never forget I will never forget How could I ever forget? I could never forget I will never forget Jimmy and johnny just stare at each other While their mother hangs in the holiday inn Your funeral on your son's seventh birthday Is the worst thing you could ever give him I bet he'd like flowers, balloons, and a card "unconditionally yours, all my love, from your mom" Much more than wearing that little black suit And saying goodbye forever to you I haven't forgotten the times that I teased you And everyone else pointed at you and laughed Permanent damage was not my intention But I could not foresee the aftermath of my actions I was so small Wanted to grow in the eyes of my enemies For awhile I felt tall But they knocked me back down now I'm here on my knees Looking at my face in a bed of pine needles And wondering if anyone stills knows my name I turned full circle and another half circle And tried to go back the same way that I came "look alive dawson, your heels are dragging I never knew anyone could move so slow You may be a hotshot now, but you are still a cow A big fat F, why don't you just go home?" I guess that that means I did not make the team I'll just lay on the ground and look up at the trees The old bedford oak the tall evergreens This is not a joke this is not a dream Not sleeping just resting in pieces that I wish were peaches I saw your dad later that day Maybe he shot himself, could've been someone else Asked me to tell you what he had to say "you don't have to end up with people who self destruct Go find a lover who will never leave Fear of abandonment, self hate, and discontent Will go away when you let yourself grieve And forget about me, forget about me, forget about me" How could I ever forget? I could never forget I will never forget How could I ever forget? I could never forget I will never forget How could I ever forget? I could never forget I will never forget How could I ever forget? I could never forget I will never forget
6.
We switched to jay leno from da ali g show To see some kids that we know do what they do on TV. Sometimes I wish I was there, but mostly I just don't care I cry and laugh and forth and back, it's all good comedy And there's no rhyme or reason for the changing of the seasons Sometimes the winter lasts for months sometimes it lasts for days The world is an amazing place there's gaping holes in outer space Sunburned for the first time skin is peeling off my face And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" Open up your eyes and see the beauty over there Open up our ears and be surprised by what you hear 'cause it's not just on the radio, it's not just on the video It isn't all downloadable, there's music everywhere And the fact that they divide us should be enough to unite us We are the world so boys and girls let's all collaborate 'cause when we play together we won't notice the bad weather Like flashlight tag when it's real cold or kickball in the rain And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" Get out there and be seen, you're lean and clean, You're barely nineteen, you're a singing machine Get out there and be seen, you're lean and clean, You're barely nineteen, you're a singing machine Get out there and be seen, you're lean and clean, You're barely nineteen, you're a singing machine Get out there and be seen, you're lean and clean, You're barely nineteen, you're a singing machine Get out there and be seen, you're lean and clean, You're barely nineteen, you're a singing machine It doesn't matter what you look like, doesn't matter what you sound like Doesn't matter if they like you, just remember to be kind And tell someone you miss them, tell someone you need them Tell someone you wish you could be with them all the time Sounds silly but it's not a game, making music makes me sane I sing away my pain and everything turns out okay And I'm not talking fame and glory, 'cause that's a different story This story is about how truth and love can save the day And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" And bruno said what anders said some producer said to young lennon "they can't all be ballads julian" "they can't all be ballads julian"
7.
Moving On 03:08
She was reunited with the father of her kids He said "it wasn't me it was the booze; I know not what I did" She said "you filled the bathtub with my blood when you bashed in my head You can go to hell I'm moving on You can go to hell I'm moving on" Then she saw her mom who said "i love you sweet baby" She said "then why'd you beat me until I started to bleed? You starved me too I had to dance for money in the street You can go to hell I'm moving on You can go to hell I'm moving on" Running from the one who gave her life Running from the man who called her wife She will find a way out I am sure Then no one can hurt her anymore When she got there the old man was holding a tutu And a pair of brand new pink capezio toe shoes She laughed and said "excuse me sir do those belong to you?" He said "no they're yours, go put them on" He said "no they're yours, go put them on" The stage was big as every place she'd ever lived combined And there were wooden soldiers there that were three times her size With a plie and a releve her dreams were realized She said "but I thought clara was a blonde" She said "but I thought clara was a blonde" The old man said "now princess, yes your hair's as black as night But prima ballerinas now we know aren't always white A million people saying something's so don't make it right" She said "i've died and gone to heaven, I've died and gone to heaven," Running from the one who gave her life Running from the man who called her wife She will find a way out I am sure Then no one can hurt her anymore
8.
Eyes like omens I've been told And friends are found when keys are stolen Find the keys the corn is golden Friends have golden hearts and souls and Icy blue eyes may seem cold when Hearts are far apart and broken When the sky is open wide Pages bound to the roadside Breaking backbones as I drive Blue like nevermind Blue is fire and blood and balls Paint peeling on the bedroom walls And broken doors on bathroom stalls And waterfalls and booty calls Je vois les yeux Les yeux son tres bleu Mes yeuse je fermerai Et dites je suis fatigue Eyes like omens I've been told And friends are found when keys are stolen Find the keys the corn is golden Friends have golden hearts and souls and Icy blue eyes may seem cold when Hearts are far apart and broken When the sky is open wide Pages bound to the roadside Breaking backbones as I drive Blue like nevermind
9.
My Heroes 03:13
The word of the day's I don't know what to say And the man in the mirror is wasting away No songs to sing, no games to play Just a big old hole in my heart My heroes are falling apart Now michael and paul they are chained to the wall Since I was a kid I loved them best of all But if they are guilty off with their balls My heroes are falling, my heroes are falling down And the old are supposed to protect the young Not endanger or exploit them This is something I can't stress enough Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up And my mom says to treat as you wish you were treated And I know that she's sorry for the wrongs she repeated And never forget how you felt as a kid Look little you in the eye, each time you encounter a child And the word of the day is you are a disgrace And the man in the mirror only changed his face No songs to sing, no games to play Just a big old hole in my heart My heroes are falling, my heroes are falling apart My heroes are falling, my heroes are falling apart My heroes are falling, my heroes are falling apart
10.
Parade 03:58
White man in white pants was dancing Inside out and lost his ass A little black girl on black rollerblades Found his butt and picked it up And gave it back and said "hey pops, C'mon down we're having a parade!" Everybody in this town Is turning brown, it's summertime C'mon down we're having a parade Don't answer your phone, let it sing And join the orchestra of rings That will be our soundtrack for today A million people realize there's better things to do Than wasting their whole lives being accessible to you Like throwing off their clothes and marching down the avenue Singing "i'm in new york city, don't I look so pretty? hey!" Mike bloomberg and jesse jackson Sit in tompkins square relaxin' Reach a stalemate start another game Sarah jessica, tawana, And the indian jane fonda Eating mr. softies in the shade A big fat mama in a thong And a college girl with nothing on Share a laugh over a lemonade Seven foot trannies trading tricks With business men on pogo sticks 'cause everyone's invited, hip hooray! A million people realizing that reality Is much more real outside their door than it is on TV A plethora of specimens have taken to the street Singing "i'm in new york city, don't I look so pretty? hey!" It's summertime in new york city And the people aren't just plain old pretty They're hot as hell, I think I'm gonna faint Even the junkies and the hari krishnas And the guy who spray paints solar systems On the backs of plastic paper plates It's so hot you could fry an egg On the back of the pit-bull humping my leg I kinda like it, what more can I say? 'cept here comes hot dog in her wig She's three times a lady, sweating like a pig The sun is shining everything's okay A million people realize a smile on someone's face Is even more contagious than west nile or sars or aids And what makes people smile more than a big parade Through the streets of new york city Where everyone's so pretty Life used to be so shitty But it's summertime, summertime, summertime, wooooooooo!!!!!! White man in white pants was dancing Inside out and lost his ass A little black girl on black rollerblades Found his butt and picked it up And gave it back and said "hey pops, C'mon down we're having a parade, C'mon down we're having a parade, C'mon down we're having a parade, Woohoo! hey!!!"
11.
5 Years 03:03
I imagined nick valensi wrapped his long, long arms around me And they went around my body almost seven times He said "baby I've been thinking and I think I will quit drinking And I think on my next birthday I'll turn thirty five And I will settle down with you, we'll make sweet love the whole night through You'll convert into a jew, sit shiva for your former life" And I said "nick although you're handsome, I'll hold out for isaac hanson, And he'll get his braces back when I become his wife" Me and hanson will go dancing, me and hanson true romance Me and hanson take a chance, lock the door it's party time All our babies will be born november seventeenth I'm sure And we'll get a cookiepuss from the local carvel store Then our brothers will come over for a big game of red rover Everybody holding hands, break the chain, break the chain What would I do when you've had a few? Oh would I stay or go away? Would you grieve if I chose to leave? What would you say if I was in pain? Last night sergio valenti customized some denim for me Special for my special shape, they fit me perfectly Now I've got this new ensemble, certain circles I'm a bombshell But a guardian anglo keeps saying "negro please" Pay attention and you'll notice one man's chops is one man's bloatus One man's taint is one man's choad is one man's mr. clean And every scene I've ever seen becomes a tootsie roll to me A little tasteless waxy turd that gets stuck in my teeth And everywhere I try to go the cars are moving much to slow I said "excuse me mr. johnson" he said "call me beau" "i think this is my biggest fear, the road before me is unclear" He said "close your eyes my child and let the old man steer" I said "oh, thanks anyway, what would fenton lawless say?" Five years in the saddle and I've gotta take the reins What would I do when you've had a few? Oh would I stay or go away? Would you grieve if I chose to leave? What would you say if I was in pain? Five years in the saddle and I've gotta take the reins Five years in the saddle, five years in the saddle Five years in the saddle and I've gotta take the reins Five years in the saddle and I've gotta take the reins Five years in the saddle, five years in the saddle Five years in the saddle and I've gotta take the reins
12.
There's anthrax in the envelope I opened in my dream The sky is red and little kids are running, screaming in the street I tried to run and save them but I had molasses feet I keep having nightmares and I'm scared to go to sleep If you fall in I'll jump down And touch your face while we're both sinking (stinking thinking) we won't drown You are my friend And what we're doing's too important For our lives to end quite yet In montreal I got so mad, someone broke into the van Stole my guitar and aaron's bag Then we turned on cnn, watched the towers fall again And realized that our lives aren't so bad This is just a test take it with love and you will pass You will be rewarded if you do your very best Nothing ever goes as planned so don't take anything for granted If you do the world will kick your ass The air is filled with computers and carpets Skin and bones and telephones and file cabinets Coke machines, firemen, landing gear, and cement They say that it's okay but I say don't breathe in The air is filled with computers and carpets Skin and bones and telephones and file cabinets Coke machines, firemen, landing gear, and cement They say that it's okay but I say don't breathe that shit in An angel named gabriel is watching over you He was a friend mistreated now he's dead so say you're sorry to him When you say your prayers tonight if you make amends The gates to heaven here on earth will open up again If you fall in I'll jump down And touch your face while we're both sinking (stinking thinking) we won't drown You are my friend And what we're doing's too important For our lives to end quite yet
13.
You Love Me 02:39
I moved around from town to town Lots of people around, but still so lonely Friendships would grow then I'd hit the road Making up excuses for why I had to leave Always been too scared and unprepared To let anybody get too close to me But when I met you right away I knew You would never ever ever hurt me And the road's still long but you come along And you hold my hand and you understand When I look at you I can't believe it's true You're all I ever dreamed of and you love me And you love me, and you love me
14.
The boat that we're sailing on can't stop in town 'cause the waves that the boat is on won't settle down If this boat flips over and everyone drowns, well that's alright with me That's alright with me God's green pasture's not heaven to me I'll spend forever deep down in the sea Singing and swimming and being happy Weightless and painless eternally One grandpa's ashes and one's underground One grandma's ashes and one's still around If this boat flips over and everyone drowns, well that's alright with me That's alright with me God's green pasture's not heaven to me I'll spend forever deep down in the sea Singing and swimming and being happy Weightless and painless eternally I don't want to die alone, I am too proud That you can tell me from the rest of the crowd If this boat flips over and everyone drowns, well that's alright with me That's alright with me God's green pasture's not heaven to me I'll spend forever deep down in the sea Singing and swimming and being happy Weightless and painless eternally The angels and seagulls will ask themselves how I've got my head in the crow's nest my feet starboard bough And the ocean will say "well she's one of us now" And I will be set free, I will be set free, I will be set free, I will be set free

about

This is my fourth solo album. It is the first album I didn't record on an analog cassette 4-track machine.

Recorded at Mourningwood Studio, San Francisco and in Jason and Brain's living rooms, kitchens, bedrooms, garages and yards.
Additional tracks recorded by Major Matt Mason USA at Olive Juice Music, NYC and by Kimya in the Dawson familly kitchen.

It's Been Raining and Blue Like Nevermind recorded at mains d'œvres, St. Ouen France.

Parade was recorded at the Audiology Center, Moseley, England.


Co-produced by Jason Carmer, Arion Salazar, and Kimya Dawson.

Huge thanks to Third Eye Blind for the use of their studio.

credits

released October 5, 2004

license

all rights reserved

tags

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